I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
