got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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