I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
