I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
