thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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