1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize