The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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