I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
The power of my boobs compel you
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
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