Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
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