I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
