At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
