I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
