He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Randomize
