I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
