ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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