The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Randomize
