Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
