Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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