its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
