I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
