if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
