Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
