Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
