Got a toothbrush?
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
