i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
