he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
My day in three words: secret purse cake
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Randomize
