Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
