Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
not ubering you a puppy
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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