you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
