So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
