Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
