Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
