he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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