They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize