I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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