I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
