Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
