I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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