So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
