It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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