based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
