apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
