I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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