Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Randomize
