A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
