tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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