My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
my vag is so smooth its legendary
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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