she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
