I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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