Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Sober January is a disaster.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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