someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
