If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
