Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Randomize
