Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
