I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
