My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
