Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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