I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
