you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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