How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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