I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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