If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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