This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
