I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
